Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize