Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
