She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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