ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
