I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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