Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
