Taylor Swift is so right about you.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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