At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
