When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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