i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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