Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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