Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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