Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize