Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
