I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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