they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
