She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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