It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
