So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
