it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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