I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
