a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
