hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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