He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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