On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She told me I should be a condom model.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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