i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
