Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
