You just made me feel so damn special
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
