You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
