I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
