Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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