I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
