so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
