peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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