Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
