My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
