I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
