I think I just saw someone hide a body.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
