accomplished twins. life is a go
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
