my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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