there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
