My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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