my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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