Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
