I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize