Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
