Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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