She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
