i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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