I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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