oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
