Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
