Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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