I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
