I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
