You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
