bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
