Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
