They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
