Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
